We live in a time where the adult thirst for player autographs is at an all-time high. How we got here, nobody knows. But watching a kid get mowed down by a former Circuit City assistant manager for some scribble on an 8 by 10 photograph is unacceptable.
Look, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend like I’m not guilty of this in some way, shape, or form, because honestly I am. We all are. But this post isn’t about me and how I discovered what a pathetic life form I was turning into — this is about helping YOU discover what a pile of shit you’re being.
The theory, I suppose, is that the autograph is a little piece of the person’s soul, a way to make this larger than life athlete more real, in your eyes. It’s also proof that you’ve met this person. Maybe you just weren’t loved enough as a child and this is your way of proving you deserve that love now, because you have this weird room devoted to your team’s shit with sharpie scribble all over it.
We’ve all been there as kids. Waiting for hours hoping to catch a brief glance of our favorite player. Key word, kids. Autographs are great for kids. Kids are entitled to idolize athletes. I don’t understand the appeal once you become an adult. We could have a full discussion on the age that you become an adult, but for the sake of time and lack of alcohol I have left, let’s just say legal drinking age.
What do you do with this autograph as an adult once you’ve thrown little Timmy to the side for it? Do you look at it when you’re alone in your “special room” and feel you have accomplished something? Do you brag to your co-workers that you have a black and white 8 by 10 of such and such or so and so? Maybe you live vicariously through these players exploits, and getting an autograph is a way of commemorating that curious bond for posterity?
“Hey Billy can you sign my sign?”
4 reasons I have issues with adult autographs in no particular order:
- You’re blocking kids from potentially meeting their favorite athletes with your backpack full of shit, along with your all-white football and lanyard full of different colored sharpies.
- You’re making athletes avoid autographs all together because they’re creeped the fuck out by your 43-year-old excitement.
- Using it as a cash grab. (These are the worst kind of people)
- It shows a sense of hero-worship that should be gone from a mature mind.
I get it. Some people just like to have things to hang up on the wall or keep on display as a cool piece of the game they attended. Let’s stop being weird about it though. You’re scaring the children, and the players. If you want to be smart about it, pay some pimply faced prick 20 bucks to go do it for you. It’s much more likely to get you what you’re looking for anyways, besides your parents love. That train has left the station pal.
The reason I suggest you pay some kid to do it, is because I’m hoping you haven’t reproduced and are now sending your own children in to do your disgusting dirty work.
4 things you should never ask to have signed at any age:
- Gloves. I don’t give a shit if they are the official on-field gloves or your grandmothers mittens you loser.
- The jersey you wear every 3 days.
- The T-shirt you’re wearing under the jersey you wear every 3 days.
- Hats. I just assume if you’re asking someone to sign a hat that you’re one of those people who bends the shit out of their hat like you’re about to enter a bass pro fishing tournament in Mississippi.
You might be asking yourself why I didn’t include napkin in my top 4. Well, it’s because I assume my readers are smart and already know that napkins, or any sort of paper, are off-limits.
If you’ve made it this far you’re either in complete agreement or you’re already thinking of things to say to me that argue all these facts I’ve just stated in your eyeball. Either way, I win.
The sight of an adult acting like a 12 yr old trying to get an autograph is just plain weird…at best.
The end.
