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Editor’s Note: This isn’t a mean-spirited competition, it should be an opportunity to laugh, even if it is at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. This is pure satire, all spelling errors are intentional.
Well here we are. Down to the Elitetly sad NFL twitter accounts of the year folks. Its time to say good by to some great accounts weve lossed this year, (montage plays with “Your crazy bitch” by buckcherry as the soundtrack) like @89SteveSmith who left twitter in october saying,
“At the end of the day, what’s on my Twitter feed and what’s going on with the world, I don’t think that should be on the same level.”
In other words hes a quitter who is fraid to face the music from NFL fans who technicaly know more about football then he does. Hey Steve, we dont come into your job telling you how to look more like Nelly, dont come into my twitter and telling me your going to quit it because my takes are too strong, idiot. No offense.
THE MATCHUPS: Egregious Eight
Omar Kelly verse Sully Football
Not even a contest. THis is like Germeny verse Sudetenland. I personally think the best strategy is to just allmost appease Omar into a false sense of security so he gets wiped out in the fuckboi four.
Bart Hubboch verse Darren Rovell
While I disgree with alot of Barts takes I will defense to the death his right to make them. If theres any justice whatsoever in the net netrality goverment takeover of the internet (and there probably wont be), one of the FCCs rules should be that Darren Rovell isnt aloud to posses or access any device that can be could be used to log on. We’re staring down the barrel of a Kelly/Rovell Matchup I guarentee it.
Also- pour one out for Mike Florio he lossed the battle but won the war as he fell to Rovell in March Sadness but crossed the millon follower threshhold, if everyone who followed ProFootballTalk voted for Florio in a election he would beat Ralph Nader. Thats a accomplishment.
Skip Bayless verse Pete Prisco
The beating in the tweeting. The quake of the takes. Heres the thing: Prisco is 100% genune in his takes. I looked him in the eye and I beleve him. Some of them happen to be insane, but he beleves them and they are strong and honest. YOu have to respect that.
Bayless has become a mirror inside a mirror inside a mirror inside a clown funeral. The takes have gotten weeker just because he keeps sticking to his guns to much. If he keeps reminding us that he believes Lebron James should be put into a giant crossbow, covered in honey and ants, and fired in to the molten core of the earth, it loses some of its steam after the 100th time he says it. A true takesmith learns to eveolve and say “Well yes Lebron James is the best player in NBA, but thats only because Kevin Durant cares to much about community service to be a true finisher in this league. Evolution in the real world is widely refuted as junk scients, but in the sports business your takes ether die young enough to be a hero or live long enough to be Chris Bermen.
Peter King verse Mike Freeman
So I dont have the pleasure of being intmitley acquatined with Mike Freeman for reasons we’ve mentioned earlyer (he blocked me 2 years ago because I made fun of him for crying when Chip Kelly was mean), but Im told his tweets are bad, so I believe that.
“Maybe when I turn 60,” King says, “I’ll be a little better at tweeting.”
A underreported thing about Peter King is that his name literaly translates to “Dick Lord.” Hes got salt’n’pepper hair but the only time I see him and think “Push it” is when hes standing next to a cliff. Im harsh on Peter but its tough love. I think he has what it takes to be a champon. Maybe.
You’re voting for members of the football community who best exemplify the spirit of bad internetting. All votes have guaranteed anonymity throughout. Send us your saddest tweets and/or reasons for your votes in the comments section below, or via email.
