Featured image via Dave Rappoccio/thedrawplay.com
Editor’s Note: This isn’t a mean-spirited competition, it should be an opportunity to laugh, even if it is at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. This is pure satire, all spelling errors are intentional.
Hello folks and wellcome back to March Sadness. The annual compition of the saddest football-related twitter accounts in America put on by your good freinds at Football Savages. I am your host PFT Commenter and it is a honor and a privilage to guide you through this 32 tweeter bracket of football takes.
Before we get started I want to let you all know that I had abosolutely NOTHING to do with either the nominations or the seating of the brackets. This tournament is run by Football Savages so please direct all hatemail towards @johnames.
Lets get started with the snubs:
1. @PFTCommenter- Failed to qualfy after absolutely owning the strongtake conference but took almost a week off after the Superbowl- not how champions are made folks. Someone get this guy a dictionary. Overeliant on gimmick (no) offense, and he gets way too cute with all the “Elite” stuff. The NFL is a parity league not a parody league son. I guess they call them takes because no one gives a shit. Reads to much of his own press clippings- more like Me-FT Commenter at times.
2. @DrewMagary- I consder Drew a friend but I have to call him out. On NFL Sunday hes basicaly just firing off loads everytime Teddy Bridgewater touches the ball and letting his sperm hit random keys to write his tweets. Im told Drew has a family and whatever and staring at your phone all night isnt cool when you have a wife and kids but your most important ability is your AVAILability and Drew has become a Roger Clemens type tweeter- taking half the season off and then coming in to make the big jokes during crunch time. Good work if you can get it IMO.
3. @NFLMemes- fuck nfl memes
4. @SmartFootball- First of all if football was suppose to be smart then Marc Trestman would have 3 neighborhoods in the process of being gentrified named after him in Chicago by now. SmartFootball is a great account if your interested in reading and understanding the game, but heres a newsflash- I quit school so I woudnt have to read on a Sunday night.
Lets take a quick look at the field starting with the Sad Ochocinco regional: @injuryexpert over @NFLosophy feels like a 12-5 upset specal. Seating committee really screwed that one up IMO. @NFLosophy has #good #content so they must of been one of the last four in,, and the fact that there going up against @injuryexpert feels like the committee didnt give alot of respect to @injuryexperts “conference schedule” which was basicaly a season of mixing in a incorrect guess about a broken clavicle with giving his medical opinon on whether or not hes banged hotter chicks then Julian Edelman.
Just glancing at these I see a murderers row of Prisco, Bayless, InjuryExpert, Schottey, and Peter King. Thats a list thats going to be keeping editors up at night with nightmare’s folks. Would of loved to see Schottey square off verse Breer in the first round in a matchup of two weirdos who are holding a football in there Avis. We get it, your a football writer. You dont see Obama holding a hammer and sickle in his offical White House portrait, you dont need to be carrying a pigskin around with you 24/7 in case you find yourself in the one conversaton of your lifetime that you dont manage to shoehorn in the fact that you do NFL stuff for a living.
Prisco and Skip in the same bracket mixing it up is like the Barber twins doign Oklahoma drills inside there moms uterus in the third trimester. Folks if this matchup was any more hard hitting head-to-head, Prisco would claim it didnt cause concussons.
Looking down to the My Wife Left Me regonal, Schottey suprisingly dosent understand whats funny about satirizing bad sportswriting, and Mike Freeman blocked me like two years ago for making a innouncous comment about him being upset Chip Kelly closed practice to reporter’s. This in itself woudnt be so bad if he didnt take credit for my discoverey that Prisco wears cargo jorts. Goes both ways Mike.
In the Jeff Sadderday bracket, Rovells going to be a tough out but I hope he dosent win because he absoluteley subscribes to the school of “any press is good press”.
Of course were allready looking ahead to the 2nd round potental matchup of Rovell verse Florio in a contest of “who can look the most italian.”
Meanwhile Omar Kelly should have a cakewalk through the Roger Saadell bracket. Theres noone up there that can touch Kellys sadness folks. He could make a deep run,, for his seconed-executive March Sadness title.
So as Obama likes to say “vote early, vote often” and Ill be back to announce the results.
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