The draft is upon us! Finally April is here and we can bask in the goodness of the upcoming event. I have held off on a mock draft thus far (thank the lord), but I thought to bestow the internet with one because I feel like the general public is deprived of mocks. Enjoy!

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Leonard Williams, DL, USC: Lovie Smith is a defensive guru, which is exactly why the Buccaneers had a bottom five defense in the league last year despite Lavonte David and Gerald McCoy being there. Anyhow, the Buccaneers add an elite defensive talent to their defensive front, and we get another year of horrible quarterback play with thirteen losses.
2. Tennessee Titans- Danny Shelton, DL, Washington: Another defensive linemen going in the top five! The Titans decide to make an “Anti Andrew Luck Move” because taking a two down, run stopping defensive linemen is more impactful than taking a quarterback. Apparently, the Titans do not want to take a “risk” of selecting a quarterback to start over Zach Mettenberger. Zach. Fucking. Mettenberger. Enjoy obscurity, Tennessee!
3. Jacksonville Jaguars- Shane Ray, Edge, Missouri: Every year under Dave Caldwell, the Jaguars have made it a point to address their most pressing need with their first pick. This year, the need is Edge Rusher. Just like the selection of Luke Joekel and Blake Bortles, the Jaguars get it wrong again! Of course, it would also be apt to preemptively take another offensive tackle or quarterback, but the Jaguars would probably fuck that up too.
4. Oakland Raiders- Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State: After Derek Carr’s underwhelming rookie season, the Raiders went on record saying Carr “threw too few interceptions” and had “too good of character” (Source needed for both). In response, the Raiders take the perfect quarterback for their wants both on and off the field. Never mind that he will still be throwing to someone who is as good as you or I, the Raiders can’t continue to pass on “premium talent at the quarterback position.” Yawn.
5. Washington Racist Football Team- Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon: Dan Snyder has a fetish revolving around taking Heisman winning quarterbacks and systematically ruining them. Mariota joins Robert Griffin the Third in the clown show that Jay Gruden is running down in the nations capital. I am sure a smart person could work some kind of political joke in here as well, but alas, I do not care.
6. New York Jets- Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama: Holy shit, the Jets make the right pick! They take a dynamic wide receiver and allow Geno Smith to take off as a passer. Surprise! Rex Ryan has no idea how to support a quarterback or build a football team. Enjoy, Buffalo!
7. Chicago Bears- Kevin White, WR, WVU: After shipping Brandon Marshall off to New Jersey, the Bears take another athletic, big bodied wide receiver for Jay Cutler to overthrow. Nevermind the team giving up thousands of yards and points a game, taking a receiver this high is an infallible strategy.
8. Atlanta Falcons- Vic Beasley, Edge, Clemson: After years of having a defense softer than a baby’s bottom, the Falcons finally add a game breaking player to their front seven. This is the first step towards building a #gritty team. Of course, this will not stop Matt Ryan from choking in the playoffs if the Falcons can win the eight games needed in the NFC South to get there.
9. New York Giants- Dante Fowler, Edge, Florida: One of the most boring franchises in the NFL makes a sensible pick by upgrading their defensive line. This will not make their awful linebackers or running backs any better, and it will certainly not stop their quarterback from casually throwing five interceptions in a quarter. The media will continue to laud Tom Coughlin for his savvy after a third straight single digit win season.
10. Louis Rams- La’el Collins, OT, LSU: Another sensible pick for a sensible coach. Jeff Fisher continues to push his team ever so close to that 8-8 record that he strives for every year. Collins will play a pivotal role in protecting former Pro Bowl MVP, Nick Foles. It will be important to make Foles comfortable because going from Chip Kelly’s offense to a Frank Cignetti offense (whatever that is) is much like spending a vacation in a beautiful tropical country and then traveling to downtown Detroit.
11. Minnesota Vikings- Brandon Scherff, OG, Iowa: The Vikings offensive line is horrible and Draft Twitter Darling™, Teddy Bridgewater’s, skinny knees are at risk. He needs optimal protection so draft twitter can rub Bridgewater’s success in the face of his doubters at the most efficient level.
12. Cleveland Browns- Devante Parker, WR, Louisville: Luckily for Cleveland, a quarterback does not fall for them to ruin. Instead, they get a talented wide receiver to upgrade their mostly no-name group of wideouts. Of course, I am sure Parker will love having Josh McCown or Connor Shaw throwing him passes. Johnny Manziel will obviously turn out to be awful because this is Cleveland and their main export is depression.
13. New Orleans Saints- Marcus Peters, Cornerback, Washington: Honestly, it does not matter who the Saints will draft here because they will eventually be traded. Mickey Loomis manages a cap like the Browns manage quarterbacks. Sorry. I promise I will stop shitting on Cleveland.
14. Miami Dolphins- Bud Dupree, Edge, Kentucky: The Dolphins defensive line has historical potential with Dupree getting added to a group of Wake, Suh and Vernon. This defensive line will give Tom Brady fits. Of course, the Dolphins will miss the playoffs again because Joe Philbin is the coaching equivalent of the color Beige.
15. San Fransisco 49ers- Eric Kendricks, LB, UCLA: Kind of like the Saints, it really does not matter who the 49ers draft. All good players will retire from the team, because giving up million dollar paychecks is better than playing for Jim Tomsula.
16. Houston Texans- Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas: The Texans add another athletic defensive linemen to counter Andrew Luck. Unfortunately, no amount of defensive linemen will change the fact that Brian Hoyer and Tom Savage are their options at quarterback.
17. San Diego Chargers- Justin Hardy, WR, ECU: I have no jokes for this because this team bores the shit out of me and I take no interest in them.
18. Kansas City Chiefs- Devin Smith, WR, OSU: After giving Jeremy Maclin a top five receiver contract in the league after one thousand yard season, the Chiefs add another dynamic athlete at wide receiver. Smith’s presence as a deep threat will be fully appreciated once he is continually streaking free down the field and Alex Smith does not hit him because he is Alex Smith. Another year without wide receiver touchdowns is a ahead.
19. Cleveland Browns- Bryce Petty, QB, Baylor: I thought I was done being mean to the great people of Cleveland, but they have another pick. The Browns continue their storied tradition of awful quarterbacks by taking an old, awful quarterback with a broken back. Yay tradition!
20. Philadelphia Eages- Ifo Ekpre Olomu, CB, Oregon: Chip Kelly loves tall players, but could not help himself at the idea of drafting a former Oregon player who also has a torn ACL. Kelly is going hard after this winning trend because he knows that a few years from now it will not matter since he will be coaching basketball at Texas.
21. Cincinnati Bengals- Brett Hundley, QB, UCLA: Andy Dalton sucks. He has no arm, makes bad decisions, is not a great athlete, and is fairly inaccurate. Luckily, Hundley has a big arm, is a fantastic athlete, makes horrible decisions and is incredibly inaccurate. Wait.
22. Pittsburgh Steelers- Markus Golden, Edge, Missouri: The Steelers love unathletic, highly productive, SEC players so Golden has to be the pick here. Realistically they are trading up on draft day for Shane Ray though.
23. Detroit Lions- Nelson Agholor, WR, USC: The Lions are sick and tired of hearing that they do not have weapons next to Calvin Johnson so they will spend a first round pick on a number three receiver. I guess they will forget that they let Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairly walk.
24. Arizona Cardinals- Arik Armstead, DL, Oregon: Somehow acquiring a former Oregon player before Chip Kelly can, the Cardinals add a talented, athletic player to their defensive line. Arik can’t stop Carson Palmer from combusting and Ryan Lindley eventually stepping in, but he can help the Cardinals look like a formidable team for the first eight weeks of the season.
25. Carolina Panthers- Preston Smith, Edge, Miss. St.: The Panthers upgrade their defensive line after losing noted psychopath, Greg Hardy, walk in free agency. Smith brings a nasty demeanor the defensive line and helps Cam Newton in no way at all. The Panthers receiving group will spend another year being a group of cadavers.
26. Baltimore Ravens- Shaq Thompson, LB, Washington: The Ravens hoard linebackers and thus Thompson is the pick here. It doesn’t really make sense, but the media will still felate Ozzie Newsome over it because he can do no wrong.
27. Dallas Cowboys- Dorial Green Beckham, WR, Missouri: To prove to America that he really does not give a shit about women, Jerry Jones adds “overrated sociopath” (I said that), Dorial Green Beckham. Yeah, he will catch the ball and do flashy things and whatnot and people will love him on Sundays. Don’t worry about his immaturity, the Cowboys have famously level headed players in their locker room like Greg Hardy, Dez Bryant, and Rolando McClain to mentor Beckham in becoming an adult.
28. Denver Broncos- Michael Bennett, DT, OSU: Broncos picks don’t really matter because we all know the team will win 13 games during the regular season and Peyton Manning will proceed to shit his pants during the playoffs. GOAT.
29. Indianapolis Colts- Gary Nova, QB, Rutgers: I like to imagine a scenario where Ryan Grigson is so fucking bad (he is) that Jim Irsay takes his first round drafting duties away from him. However, because Irsay is high off his ass on pills (and probably was just driving) he takes Gary Nova because the Colts are incapable of adding actual good players to their team.
30. Green Bay Packers- Owamagbe “Alphabet” Odighizuwa (he’s a real person, look him up), Edge, UCLA: Another athletic pass rusher for Green Bay will hopefully make their defense more formidable next season. I doubt it changes Mike McCarthy and Dom Capers executing a massive choke job in the playoffs, but we can only hope.
31. New Orleans Saints- Landon Collins, S, Alabama: *see explanation for pick 13*
32. New England Patriots- Cameron Erving, C, FSU: Patriots make a savvy move in the first round that likely helps their team greatly because Bill Belichick is one of the few people in the NFL who actually has a grasp on how to do his job. (Even if he is shady as hell).

I hope you enjoyed this. If you did not enjoy this, I am not sorry. If you did not realize this is a joke, I am sorry. If you closed the article a long time ago, you are probably a Jaguars fan, and I am sorry.